Cheese Cultures

At a meeting of Europe’s cheese governing council today, delegates had some extra sharp words for their American counterparts. The foreign relations sub-committee of the Brie U formally censured American cheese for tarnishing the image of all Western cheeses through their aggressive Middle East menu.

“Their actions are a recipe for disaster” said Roquefort. “By spreading their ultra-pasteurized version of cheese to the larger world, they’re actually creating a new generation of cheese intolerance instead of cheese lovers. We are losing the cheese-culture war because of their conceit”.

American cheese did have some brief rebuttals from its Wisconsin home, “What do you expect? French cheeses are soft and yellow. They should grow a thicker rind, a pair of cheese balls and stop melting under the pressure”.

Tensions grew between these two supermarket powers after American cheese’s pre-emptive actions earlier this year in the Middle East. Without invitation from the population, they unilaterally started putting cheese on traditional Middle East cuisine, throwing cheese slices on pita, lamb kabobs, couscous and even babba ganouj. There have even been unconfirmed reports of the cheese missing its targets and hitting unsuspecting diners in the face. Local hospitals report a 15% increase in unexplained eye injuries since the American intervention.

American cheese has also lost some support form its original coalition. The Italian cheeses, once in favor of the action, have recently backed off their position. Mozzarella stated “Ay! Formaggio Americano. Whatsa da matta with you eh, youa blocka head? “. That criticism prompted the now famous retort from the American, “Have some whine with that cheese”.

The American Colby cheese, which is a more traditional and semi-soft cheese than American cheese, took a more diplomatic approach. “We all share the common goal of spreading cheese throughout the world because we know it leads to culinary peace and prosperity wherever it’s tried. The problem is that we have different tastes and economic philosophies. We believe that you should keep the revenue you earn and not distribute it collectively to support social programs like handing out government cheese”.

Besides its foreign policy, criticism of the Americans extends to its cheese manufacturing process which Europeans believe adds harmful methane to the air due to the high number and concentration of dairy cows in certain areas. In reply to that point, Monterrey Jack, which has been dubbed a ‘real cowboy’ by the Europeans, sliced up his critics. “If they’re worried about better air quality, maybe these cheeses should wash themselves a little more often. Man do they stink. As far as I’m concerned, they can all Gouda hell”.

Swiss cheese, with its neutral flavors, has called for a cheese summit to work out some of these differences. “I see a lot of holes in both arguments”.

Beyond the bickering, many believe that the growth of cheese in the Middle East is a lost cause. The comments of Mahmoud Al-Barraqq El Farriq, 41, are representative of many when he says, “You know, I guess I just like hummus better. Sometimes I eat cheese and I falafel afterwards (parum-pum). Take my wives…please!”