Obama Mia!

Last night, the road to the White House detoured through the Stugots Section of Staten Island, a traditional Italian neighborhood. Every leading presidential candidate was in attendance at the area’s Sons of Christopher Columbus Italian-American Garibaldi Society in their ongoing attempts to court the very influential Italian vote for next fall’s presidential election. The evening produced a number of candidate speeches and an interchange of opinions and reactions within the crowd that highlight many of the potential challenges facing these candidates next November.

Senator Barack Obama addressed the crowd first and tried to highlight the “many similarities” he shares with the Italian community. But, in an off color joke, Obama went too far and offended some when he referenced the stereotype that both Italian and Afro-American men share certain sizable endowments in the area of physical intimacy. Realizing his gaffe, Obama retreated and offered a rushed apology to men of other ethnicities and races who may not be so well off “much like my good friend Dennis Kucinich.”

The uproar caused by Obama's comments was in sharp contrast to the lukewarm reaction generated by the candidate himself. Most of the crowd's comments were criticisms of his inexpereince and underwhelming policy initiatives. “This guy’s up there talking about tax cuts for working class Italians and what he don’t realize is that there ain’t no one in this whole place who ever filed a tax return in their lives. We only deal in cash businesses if you know what I mean,” said one attendee. Another crowd member remarked, “Let’s be honest, this guy is a little too inexperienced for the job, no? I got mortadella that’s been in my fridge longer than this guy’s been in politics. He needs seasoning badly; definitely garlic, some onions, fresh basil and maybe even some crushed red pepper to spice things up a little bit. But the key to all the flavor is the onions.”

Next to speak was John McCain who tried to regale the crowd with inspirational rhetoric about his underdog candidacy and uphill fight against the Washington establishment. At one point, McCain tried to appeal directly to his audience by likening his dark horse campaign to the film ‘Rocky’. Comments in the crowd after McCain’s talk included “I didn’t think this guy was still in the race,” and “if his campaign is a Rocky movie it’s definitely one of the sucky ones - probably Rocky V. You mark my words, pretty soon this guy’s gonna run out of money, start borrowing too much and wind up on the lam like that poor bastard Richie Z from over on 15th street. I’ll tell you something else too. I don’t understand military men. It’s like Sonny says to Michael in the Godfather, why would you risk your neck for someone outside your family? God, there’s so much truth in that movie. I’ve seen it like a friggin’ thousand times and it never gets old.”

After John Edwards’ speech, feedback was universally negative. “First off, I didn’t like the way I was referred to as an Eye-Talian by this southern belle,” said one man. “But you want to know what the bottom line is? I’d never vote for a woman and in particular this one. She just seemed... I don’t know... too delicate or something.” When told that Edwards was actually a man, the audience member replied “Get outta here. Look at that hair. If that's a man then I’m half Irish. Plus, I couldn't stand all of her fluffy, feel good answers and promises. This broad is cheesier than nonna’s manicott’.”

Of course the only actual woman who spoke at the podium was Senator Hilary Clinton but she fared just as poorly. The crowd was clearly unimpressed with her address. “Not for nothin’, but you’d never see my wife run for president.  Why would she?  She never had it so good.  She gets to stay home with the kids and sit on the couch all day.  She's got a roof over her head and food on the table but do you think she appreciates it?  No, not the princess.  Spoiled brat.  But I’ll give her this much:  if I cheated on her the way Slick Willy cheated on Hilary there wouldn’t be any of this ‘stand by your man-I’ve learned to forgive BS.’  My wife would break dishes, throw vases, and scream her head off.  Then she’d go looking for the other woman with our kids in tow, find her apartment building and call her a whore in front of the whole neighborhood.  That's how it should be done. It's just more presidential.”

Also in attendance was Fred Thompson and, while he did shake hands and pose for pictures, Thompson would not commit to speak. Thompson did however get a better reaction than most from this crowd. “See Thompson to me seems like he could be a good, tough guy,” said one local resident.  “In my opinion, all of Congress could use a nice warm beating with the proverbial Louisville Slugger and Fred seems like he would go in like a giant bocce ball and knock everybody around a little bit.  My problem is this: what’s with this I’m running but I’m not really running business?  It’s just like when Tony Soprano finally tells Christopher, “Either you’re going to go to Hollywood and do the acting thing or you’re going to stay here with me and do this thing.  But yous can’t do both.  I’ve got all the seasons on DVD and I’ve watched them a friggin million times.  It’s just such a relevant, true to life show, you know?”

Governor Richardson’s presence, much like his candidacy, went largely unnoticed and what few comments people made were not very encouraging. One such comment was indicative of many: “First I thought that this Richardson guy looks kind of Italian which is a nice start.  But when I heard he was from New Mexico I said no way.  New Mexicans, old Mexicans, I don’t care, they’re all the same - taking good paying US jobs from Union workers.”
 
Mitt Romney’s address did not seem to resonate with this crowd as he was delivering it and post speech comments confirmed the audeince's dislike. Said one gentleman, “You know what it is with Romney? He’s just like that other Massachusetts guy Kerry. I bet Romney’s a Red Sox fan too,” he said as he spit on the ground. “I didn’t vote for Kerry neither. The two of them are on every side of every issue. I’m just so sick of politicians trying to have everything both ways.  You can’t eat from both ends of the cannoli without getting your hands messy, you know what I’m saying?  Romney’s a fugazzi. They all are. That Evan Stevens guy too.  Now usually I say live and live and let live but Mitt, what kind of religion makes you have more than one wife?  That’s cruel and unusual punishment.  It’s un-American is what it is.”

At the close of the evening, a beleaguered and demoralized crown watched as former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani was the last to take the stage. “I’ll keep this short and sweet like my good friend Dennis Kucinich,” said Giuliani.  “I’m not a woman, I’m not a Southerner, I’m white, I’m Catholic (sort of) and, best of all, I’m Italian.  You know you’re going to vote for me.”

With murmurs and grumbles, a disillusioned crowd shuffled out in silence.