This one's for you, Andrew!

Dear Andrew,

I was thinking about you and high school the other day and remembering how it was for me...that I had NO CLUE what I was getting into. Not that this is an earth shattering experience. It isn't. But it is something. So I thought, why not gather the family and have them draw from their experiences? Have them share something with you about how it was with them. Suggestions, advise, funny stories...anything and everything they might want you to know. Hopefully more "letters" will come. And as they do I will add them to this post. I wrote my story below before I penned this introduction; it's a long one, Andrew. But I don't think you'll mind reading it through.

Andrew:

I'm afraid that my high school experience isn't one that you are going to be able to easily relate to; I'm a girl and I went to boarding school. But high school is high school, a milestone in anyone's life, a time of transition, that first baby step to up-coming adulthood. I'll let others focus on the academics if they want to. Me? I'm just going to tell you my story:

For me, leaving home was the biggie; that I was leaving home to begin high school barely hit my radar. But once I settled into my new "home away from home", high school hit me full force. It wasn't the work load, though. It was the fact that I was now at the bottom of the heap, part of the group of "babies" known as Freshmen. I had just graduated 8th grade and was the 2nd oldest of 10. I wasn't used to being at the bottom of the heap. Immediately I understood that the only way to survive this was to a) make wise selections amongst my fellow classmates and b) choose a worthy Senior whose job it was to pave the way for me. Yes, Andrew, it was all about me; I could either fade away or I could stake my territory. Quickly.

But base survival instincts can often be tamed in time. And in time I came to see that the best way to accomplish my 2 goals was to stand back and observe. So I waited and watched. When I found myself seething over both my Math teacher and her hopelessly infantile teaching skills, I dubbed her Miss Chipmunk...soon just Chipmunk. Sure enough 2 or 3 girls giggled and passed me notes during class. Of those 2 or 3 girls, one, Wendy, became my fastest and best friend. We were rebellious by nature and passionately loyal to each other.

As to my Senior "guide"? I chose her well. Her name was Gigi and she had quite a presence about her. She was spirited, attractive, smart, witty, and seemingly popular. But her "popularity" stemmed from the fact that, although she had a close circle of friends, she was singularly detached from most who sought her out which, incidentally, caused so many to seek her out, including me. But I did my seeking quietly. When I had a question or needed assistance, I just asked the question or sought the counsel. And while I kept a discreet distance, I always made sure I was in her sights. This wasn't calculated, by the way; it was simply me following my instincts. In no short time I became Gigi's favorite. She didn't fawn over me or make easy my initiation. But always, always she came to my rescue when I screwed up and to my defense when I was misunderstood. She was no-nonsense and I liked that.

By the time Gigi graduated, Wendy and I had not found but created our niche in school. We did our thing(s) and nobody dared interfere. And when Gigi came to say her good-byes, she winked at me and said, "I'm going to miss you but I'm glad to know I've left a little bit of me behind".

So, am I saying "Be me and be a rebel"?. No. I told you at the beginning of this that my time at school was different from yours. My spending my years away from home required that I not get lost in the shuffle and for me, anything less than "doing my thing" would mean just that. I will tell you that by the time I left that school (for Spain) during Sophmore year, my classmates and the in-coming Freshmen kept a respectful distance from me and my friends. Not known to us ( because it was never about them versus us) we had early on become intriguing, so much so that others both envied and wanted to be part of whatever it was they perceived us to be. I will also tell you that once we came to know this, we cultivated it for all it was worth. That, I think, was when the fun began. And truth be told, we often cultivated this mystique at the expense of others, something that I would balk at today. But, gosh, it did pass the time and boy, I did love the awe. What can I say? I was 14, living away from home for the first time, and in no short time I had made my mark in a school of 90 students.

I recall one of the first incidents, entirely my own doing. We lived in a dorm, similar to College dorms, with 3 to a room, very nice and spacious rooms. One evening, between end of academic day and dinner time, Wendy was hanging out with me in my room and we were trying to figure out a way to have my dull roommate request another room so that Wendy could move in with me. This other girl always ran late for everything and her demerits were beginning to pile up. How could we use this to our advantage? My dull roommate and I had an arrangement: she would shower in the evening and our 2nd roommate and I would shower in the mornings before classes began. If I could somehow interrupt the evening shower I might hit pay dirt. This girl wasn't only dull, she was also a whiner, you know the type. If she placed the blame on me it was possible that the dorm mistress would find her a more suitable roommate rather than risk another late demerit and irritating letters from her parents. Yes, they were that type, too. I couldn't stand one more drama-filled day with this girl. I needed relief. And thus my brainstorm.

Outside our hall was a life-size statue of the Virgin Mary. It was so easy. I grabbed the statue and placed it in our shower - even donned Our Lady with a shower cap - turned on the water and closed the shower door. When my roommate made her way to the shower, she saw that someone was in there and threw a fit. "Just ask her to get out", advised Wendy, "she should be in her own shower." During all of this, my bedroom door was open. And the bathroom was just inside the room ( like at hotels) so that everyone who was milling around in the hall could hear what was going on. My roommate was also obstinate. Rather than follow Wendy's advise, she continued to throw her fit so that by now quite a crowd had formed outside and inside my room. "Just DO it!", I said to her. And so she did. To this day I remember the scream that came out of her mouth when she saw that the Virgin Mary - shower cap and all - was the offender!

I scored on 2 counts: no one reported me, although it was the responsibility of all upperclassmen present to do so, and I eventually got Wendy as my new roommate. I hadn't stopped to think what kind of trouble I might get into for using the Virgin Mary in such a manner. The whole thing was so bizarre that every one just walked away - laughing - and claimed ignorance of the entire episode when they were later questioned. I was given an extra study hall. But I was free of this irritating girl!

I should also tell you that eventually - many months later - the entire Freshmen class had to change rooms. It was how we were meant to "get to know each other". The top of the list from the dorm mistress read: "Kathryn Bozell and Wendy Shea are not to room together. It is furthermore advised that they occupy separate floors." I know this because Wendy had managed to break into every office on campus and "borrow" every key. From there, a quick taxi ride to town and the hardware store and we had as many copies as we needed. (And, Andrew, no, I wouldn't advise you do this. Just don't; your parents will kill both of us!)

But here's the thing I most remember about Freshmen year, Andrew: that no matter who I thought I was or wanted to be, I always knew there was more I could be. However, being so young and struggling with being on my own, it would be a few years before all of that would sink in and take hold. Learning to get over myself was the first step. After that, everything else followed into place. But, oh my, getting over oneself is a hard, hard lesson to learn. But if you don't learn it, pretty soon you'll find yourself with only yourself for company. How do you do this? How did I do this? It began with a ride home from the airport with my father during Thanksgiving break.

It was just another year of academics for me. But it was critical in that I was on my own and I was , I do admit, pretty full of myself. Not in the sense of having a big head, not that. It was more that I had been thrust into this new world and it was up to me to decide how I was going to navigate it. To the extent that I had - very successfully I thought - managed to establish myself socially in my new environment, to that extent I assumed that my initiation into adulthood also established me as a fairly good critic of my studies. I was wrong.

I could not stand my Religion class. And rightfully so as it was all nonsense, all pre-new age garble, (we didn't even have text books) all taught by a woman I wanted to squash under my feet. My parents knew what was going on at the school in this respect and I knew they had made advances to have things changed. As yet, however, nothing had and I was done with all of it.

Driving home for Thanksgiving break, I turned to my father and told him, "Pop, I want to drop Religion Class." Had I left it at that, because I knew my father understood my frustration, I might never have heard the answer he gave me, an answer that gave me pause for many, many years to come. Instead of waiting for his answer, I shot out, " I don't need to learn anything more about Catholicism.. I already know all I need to know." At this, my father pulled the car over to the shoulder of the road, stopped the engine and, looking at me squarely in the face, said, "Kathy, I don't know everything there is to know about Catholicism. The POPE doesn't know everything there is to know about Catholicism. Does that answer your question?" I was silenced.

Of course my father understood my anger and frustration regarding what I was both being taught and not being taught. And, of course, as soon as the car was back on the road we spoke about how all of this might be resolved. But I'll never forgot the absolute determination in my father's voice ( and the car coming to a complete stop? Holy Cow! ) and the words he spoke. This was not an argument. This was not up for debate. This was serious, serious stuff.

And why do I tell you this, Andrew? Because my father was right. Because no matter how settled I thought I was with my world and my surroundings the fact of the matter was that I was only 14. The other fact is that I had the wisdom to know that there were others in my world who knew more than I did. And beyond that fact was the absolute comfort of this knowledge: that these others loved me and although they might err here and there, I always knew that had my best interests at heart in their attempts to guide me into adulthood.

You have so many "others" in your life, dear Andrew. As you take those first steps into what will become your new world, take full advantage of them. You are on the brink of something new and that something can be as exciting as it is scary. And it will be scary at times; the unknown always is. But although no one knows everything about you, each person knows something about you. So cultivate those relationships, for you will gain so much. And Andrew, give as much as you take. Give more than you take, in fact, for you can never give enough.

I have every confidence that you'll find your place, your niche, as you begin and continue on this heady journey. Keep at a distance those who might want to lead you astray. Keep close those who love you. And keep God closest of all. He has blessed you with a family who has loved you well and worked hard to establish a good and loving foundation. Good things will spring forth from this foundation, Andrew. You will spring forth from this foundation. In many ways, you already have.

Loving you to the moon and back,

Your Ma

Andrew,

So we are both going back to school tomorrow, except I am the teacher and you are the student. But you are also my awesome nephew, so I figured the least I could do is give you some inside advice on how to make your teachers like you and get good grades. If you follow these easy rules, you will be in good shape.

1. Do All Your Homework. I know, last thing you want to hear, but truly the key to all sorts of success. Yes, you will learn more. Yes, you will form solid work habits that will serve you later in life. Blah, blah, blah... The real reason to do your homework is because it makes teachers like you and when teachers like you they hook you up with good grades, even if you mess up other things.

Believe me, this rule works. I can't tell you how many times I have a hooked a boy up when report card time comes around. On the flip side, a student can get 100s on every test and never do any work and I go out of my way to make his grade stinkaroo as much as possible. And trust me, Andrew, all teachers do this.

2. Participate in Class. Raise your hand once in awhile and ask or answer a question. Try to do this in your first week in as many classes as possible, just to get used to hearing your own voice. Participating will make classes more interesting and they will go by quicker, even the ones you don't like. Also, again, teachers are human beings and we are more likely to reward students when we know them better.

3. Be Respectful. Your are going to get teachers that are new or just not good. And some loser in your class is going to take advantage of that. So when someone throws something, makes animal noises, or draws dirty pictures on a desk (or at least that is the stuff that goes on in my school, never in my class, duh) don't join them. Go ahead and laugh (to yourself). I do all the time, there is some funny stuff that goes on in high school. But don't lower yourself, it won't win you any favors and you are too good for it.

Your going to be great love! High school is really, really fun if you do it right! Heck, I still go every year.

Love,

Clare

Andrew, The best piece of advice I can give you is to be true to who you are. School is always a place where your peers will try to judge you (and they will sometimes be merciless). In high school this becomes a bigger deal because everyone thinks they are adults now. I was not cool when I was a teenager; many would argue I am not cool now. But I learned a long time ago that I don't care. I like me, and I have always found people who like me to be my friends. But it wasn't always easy. Sure I had a lot of friends in high school (who were equally uncool), but there was always the pressure to conform. Why was I not cool? I worked hard and liked getting good grades. I was vocal about loving God. And perhaps most important, I took care of people at school. I did not accept people being picked on, friend or not. Sure there were people who I thought were lame, or mean. The thing is this: lame and mean people need kindness too. Those who are unpopular need others to get there backs when the "in" crowd decides to pounce. This does not mean you have to be good friends with everyone. But it takes little effort to laugh at jokes even if it's not funny (especially if it's not funny and no one else is laughing {especially if this is some poor sap who eats alone most days and is just trying to make strides to fit in}), or to partner with someone in science or gym class when no one else will. You may have to deal with someone you don't really like, but only for 40 minutes. And think of what that will mean to someone who undoubtedly has a difficult existence at school. Also, you might find out this person is actually pretty great. And for those kids who are mean...you never know why they are. No reason excuses a person from stepping on those around them, but there is no reason for you to sink to their level. Go ahead and avoid them, and challenge them (if you can) when they pick on others, but don't start a fight. Don't respond in kind when they goad you. I won't say to ignore them and they will go away...they probably won't, but you don't need to give them the satisfaction of a response. And occasionally offering help or a nice word to them isn't the end of the world. And Andrew, I'm sure you're a cool kid, I admit distance has made it difficult for me to know as much about you as I would like, but I know enough. All I'm saying is that if you find that you have traits that put you on the fringe of your peers and not in the middle, embrace it. Don't look for ways to change. You can always learn from your peers, but they can also learn from you. If you are confident in who you are, you will always find friends. If you are kind, and honest, there will always be people who want to be around you. And if some people don't, who cares. No one needs a pack of people to follow them around. Cultivating real friendship with a few people who are truly worth it will bring you a lot of joy. I love you, Nora

Dear Andrew,

If there are three things I'd do differently in high school, it would definitely be these:

1. Don't date someone for a long time unless you think maybe you could marry them. Dating (versus "having a girl/boyfriend") is so much more fun, lets you learn a lot more about yourself, and is much less complicated (and you don't have to buy Christmas, birthday or Valentines Day presents.)

2. Do date someone with no regard to anyone or anything else, including the time you're supposed to pick your brothers up from school or be at your job, if you KNOW you're going to marry that person from you first phone conversation. Oh wait, I DID do that. My favorite part of high school... sigh. (Sorry Mary!)

3. Shower at least every 2 days, no matter how tired you are.

Love, Annie

Here's some advice for the little scamp:

Dear Andrew,

Considering the fact that I lost track of your age last spring like the amazing aunt I am, and then nearly had a heart attack when I realized you were starting high school (ask Ma, she was there), the fact that you started this week is a little tough for me to wrap my head around. But I've recovered enough to give you some words of wisdom:

1. DON'T pick on the nerdy kids. I know you're all cool and popular and all that but not everyone was graced with your good Brewster genes. Be kind to all your classmates no matter what anyone says.

2. Expect to be picked on for being a Freshman, but don't let it get to you. And next year, don't be one of those Sophomores who's been up the food chain for 5 minutes and makes fun of the Freshmen. Those are the worst.

3. If you pack a smelly lunch, bring a mint. This should be true in any part of life but high schoolers are particularly relentless about smelly kids.

4. Try to have school spirit. I've never been one to have any pep, but I imagine it makes school more fun.

5. Do your work, pay attention in class, get good grades and all that stuff.

I love you lots and I PROMISE I won't forget when you graduate :) Good luck!

xo, Aloise

Dear Andrew,

Here are the most important things I learned in high school:

1) Join clubs and work hard. Seriously, don't be lazy and just do it.

2) Pick your friends wisely. I hang out with my East Catholic friends constantly and Mike was my best friend throughout high school and college AND NOW WE'RE IN LOVE!!!!!!

3) As far as dating goes, all I want to say is be nice to the girl. Nothing stunk more in highschool than getting hurt by a boy. I don't care what your friends say, always be respectful and always be kind OR I'LL WHACK YA!

4) This one may be sort of specific, but I heard it's hitting teenagers like the plague, so listen carefully!

If there happens to be en endearing, sorta cute teacher you have, and your best friend has a crush on him, don't try and play a trick and compose a lengthy email about how she thinks he has a great butt and can't concentrate on anything but him. That email could accidentally get sent. In the middle of finals week. And if that happens DON'T sent a follow up email about how a made-up friend named "Karen" was actually the author and HOW COULD SHE BE SO DISRESPECTFUL? I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! because you could end up having that teacher twice. For two very important Honors English classes. And when you went to school the next day your entire grade might find out about it by second period. And that teacher might smirk at you because you just KNOW he read it to his wife the night before and laughed his ass off. And your friend Vickie, I mean, you're hypothetical friend, might REAAAAALLY not appreciate the added stress. And when, a year later, you'd really love to ask Mr. Menner, I mean, this made up teacher, for a letter of recommendation since you are going to major in English, you are going to want to poke your eyeballs out for being so stupid.

SO BE YE WARNED!

Lisette