Marcel The Shell With Shoes On

People I imagine really finding this funny (in order of age): Annie, Catherine, Aloise, maybe Brent

Old Great Great (etc) Gran Dad

As we gather together this holiday, I think it's only proper in this forum to remember the OB (original Brewster) and the first Thanksgiving. Here then are some select exerpts from William Brewster's blog after that historic meeting. Happy Thanksgiving all.



Brewsters Half Dozen, being an internet blogge account of William Brewster, elder of Plimoth Colony.

22 November AD 1621 in the 18th year of the reign of the contemptible James Stuart, King of England and scourge of papist scumme everywhere.

Whilst normally I devote the pages of this family's blogge to convey to readers news and portraits of sonnes Wrestling and Love or speculate as to which of the royal family I most resemble (the current consensus is still James Hepburn, 4th Earl of Bostwick), I must insted tell of the goings on here yesterday. Massasoit, Chief Sachem of the Wampanoag arrived here with 90 of his kinsmen and joined us at table for our harvest celebration and thankse giving to the Lord. Wife Mary, being one of only 5 women now survived, uttered such intense blasphemies at the sight of so many uninvited dinner guests for which to prepare meals that I suspect she shall have to be burned following our next towne meeting (let it never be mistook that marrying into the Brewster family was easy)...we were especially thankful that only three of our number died during the meal and a mere dozen or so natives succumbed to the pox...even before the sun had set we had imbibed on the bottles of fire water brought by our fine visitors and I thereupon began to wax poetic on all matters Religious and Truthful and Goode so that many were enlightened by my recitation of scriptural verse and interpretation of the minor old testamente profets...Such was the extraordinarie feeing of goodewill and fellowship that we all stood on the tables arms in arm and swore oathes that white men and indians will be peaceful neighbors until kingdom comme and if it not be so then may my descendants fall back into ignorante popery...All for now. I shall poste video of the day's celebration on thoutube as soon as these devils pounding in my head are exorcised...

Ann's new pic?

How about this prettier picture,Annie? I agree with Cy....that picture was funny for awhile, but it really grosses me out now.

Can you even believe this is Kirstin Dunst?

Barry and Abortion

"Life with Obama"(click for full article)
by David Freddoso
Excerpt:
"On March 30, 2001, Obama was the only senator to speak in opposition to a bill that would have banned the practice of leaving premature abortion survivors to die. The bill, SB 1095, was carefully limited, its language unambiguous. It applied only to premature babies, already born alive. It stated simply that under Illinois law, 'the words "person," "human being," "child," and "individual" include every infant member of the species homo sapiens who is born alive at any stage of development.'
...
"Given Obama’s position on babies born alive, it should come as no surprise that he opposes and denounces all restrictions on every kind of abortion, including partial-birth abortions. He promised at a Planned Parenthood event in July 2007 that 'the first thing' he will do as president — his top priority for the nation — is sign the Freedom of Choice Act, which would erase every federal and state restriction on abortion, no matter how modest. His top priority, again, is to re-legalize partial birth abortion under all circumstances, abolish all laws on informed consent and parental notification, and eliminate all state restrictions on taxpayer funding of abortions.

"No humanitarian impulse or consideration of bipartisanship has ever swayed Barack Obama’s legislative mind on the issue of abortion. Pro-life voters who try to convince themselves otherwise engage in willful self-deception."

"Life Lies"(click for full article)
by David Freddoso
Summary: Recently, Obama has said that the Nat'l Right To Life is lying about the above - that he vetoed the bill because it was ambiguous about it's impact on abortion rights. He in fact is the one lying.

Introducing...

Since I spend 9+ hours a day wasting away in a vomit-colored cubicle, I have done a great deal of blogging (browsing, not commenting). Most blogs are pretty narcissistic: "I'm a poet, mother, wife, lover of animals, and ardent liberal." A lot of blogs are celebrity driven: "Jennifer's turmoil over Brangelina's ever-growing baby bump!" And then there are the poor souls that just want to keep in touch with their family members: "Look! Chuck turned one and Mexican Hat Dancers came to serenade him! GO STAGS!"

However, if you search hard enough in the blogosphere, you'll find some gems. My gem? Design*Sponge. Man alive, this site makes me salivate with the great interior design examples, and if anyone else is bored at work (oh, you all like your jobs? Whoops.) I highly suggest this blog for window shopping. My fav is the "before and afters" and the "sneak peeks" into other rich interior designers homes.


Example #1:

Yowzaz! Ok, so this isn't the inside of a home, but I still think it's G-R-E-A-T. I'd probably offer up my first-born to own this bookstore in Denmark. I'd even break-up with Mike.. he's pretty dispensable.

Example #2:

I didn't even know there was such a thing as phone-stands. Thank you Design*Sponge!!! I'm on my way to replicate this lime-green dream RIGHT NOW!!

Example #3

Alright, maybe this one isn't that crazy-cool, but I had to add it for Dad. He's thinking about getting a dog but refuses my request that it be a wiener-dog. Dad, if, say, you ever change your mind, I'll certainly go to the Salve, get an old suitcase, and turn it into a doggie bed for you -- free of charge!

So, in conclusion, I recommend this site: http://www.designspongeonline.com/

You all can thank me later for finding it. And for those of you who actually do things with your life and don't waste hours upon hours browsing the net -- congratulations, you're life is that much better than mine.

blood kid

You've probably seen this awhile back, but if you haven't, this kid is too cute.........and his dad's a riot!

Obama Mia!

Last night, the road to the White House detoured through the Stugots Section of Staten Island, a traditional Italian neighborhood. Every leading presidential candidate was in attendance at the area’s Sons of Christopher Columbus Italian-American Garibaldi Society in their ongoing attempts to court the very influential Italian vote for next fall’s presidential election. The evening produced a number of candidate speeches and an interchange of opinions and reactions within the crowd that highlight many of the potential challenges facing these candidates next November.

Senator Barack Obama addressed the crowd first and tried to highlight the “many similarities” he shares with the Italian community. But, in an off color joke, Obama went too far and offended some when he referenced the stereotype that both Italian and Afro-American men share certain sizable endowments in the area of physical intimacy. Realizing his gaffe, Obama retreated and offered a rushed apology to men of other ethnicities and races who may not be so well off “much like my good friend Dennis Kucinich.”

The uproar caused by Obama's comments was in sharp contrast to the lukewarm reaction generated by the candidate himself. Most of the crowd's comments were criticisms of his inexpereince and underwhelming policy initiatives. “This guy’s up there talking about tax cuts for working class Italians and what he don’t realize is that there ain’t no one in this whole place who ever filed a tax return in their lives. We only deal in cash businesses if you know what I mean,” said one attendee. Another crowd member remarked, “Let’s be honest, this guy is a little too inexperienced for the job, no? I got mortadella that’s been in my fridge longer than this guy’s been in politics. He needs seasoning badly; definitely garlic, some onions, fresh basil and maybe even some crushed red pepper to spice things up a little bit. But the key to all the flavor is the onions.”

Next to speak was John McCain who tried to regale the crowd with inspirational rhetoric about his underdog candidacy and uphill fight against the Washington establishment. At one point, McCain tried to appeal directly to his audience by likening his dark horse campaign to the film ‘Rocky’. Comments in the crowd after McCain’s talk included “I didn’t think this guy was still in the race,” and “if his campaign is a Rocky movie it’s definitely one of the sucky ones - probably Rocky V. You mark my words, pretty soon this guy’s gonna run out of money, start borrowing too much and wind up on the lam like that poor bastard Richie Z from over on 15th street. I’ll tell you something else too. I don’t understand military men. It’s like Sonny says to Michael in the Godfather, why would you risk your neck for someone outside your family? God, there’s so much truth in that movie. I’ve seen it like a friggin’ thousand times and it never gets old.”

After John Edwards’ speech, feedback was universally negative. “First off, I didn’t like the way I was referred to as an Eye-Talian by this southern belle,” said one man. “But you want to know what the bottom line is? I’d never vote for a woman and in particular this one. She just seemed... I don’t know... too delicate or something.” When told that Edwards was actually a man, the audience member replied “Get outta here. Look at that hair. If that's a man then I’m half Irish. Plus, I couldn't stand all of her fluffy, feel good answers and promises. This broad is cheesier than nonna’s manicott’.”

Of course the only actual woman who spoke at the podium was Senator Hilary Clinton but she fared just as poorly. The crowd was clearly unimpressed with her address. “Not for nothin’, but you’d never see my wife run for president.  Why would she?  She never had it so good.  She gets to stay home with the kids and sit on the couch all day.  She's got a roof over her head and food on the table but do you think she appreciates it?  No, not the princess.  Spoiled brat.  But I’ll give her this much:  if I cheated on her the way Slick Willy cheated on Hilary there wouldn’t be any of this ‘stand by your man-I’ve learned to forgive BS.’  My wife would break dishes, throw vases, and scream her head off.  Then she’d go looking for the other woman with our kids in tow, find her apartment building and call her a whore in front of the whole neighborhood.  That's how it should be done. It's just more presidential.”

Also in attendance was Fred Thompson and, while he did shake hands and pose for pictures, Thompson would not commit to speak. Thompson did however get a better reaction than most from this crowd. “See Thompson to me seems like he could be a good, tough guy,” said one local resident.  “In my opinion, all of Congress could use a nice warm beating with the proverbial Louisville Slugger and Fred seems like he would go in like a giant bocce ball and knock everybody around a little bit.  My problem is this: what’s with this I’m running but I’m not really running business?  It’s just like when Tony Soprano finally tells Christopher, “Either you’re going to go to Hollywood and do the acting thing or you’re going to stay here with me and do this thing.  But yous can’t do both.  I’ve got all the seasons on DVD and I’ve watched them a friggin million times.  It’s just such a relevant, true to life show, you know?”

Governor Richardson’s presence, much like his candidacy, went largely unnoticed and what few comments people made were not very encouraging. One such comment was indicative of many: “First I thought that this Richardson guy looks kind of Italian which is a nice start.  But when I heard he was from New Mexico I said no way.  New Mexicans, old Mexicans, I don’t care, they’re all the same - taking good paying US jobs from Union workers.”
 
Mitt Romney’s address did not seem to resonate with this crowd as he was delivering it and post speech comments confirmed the audeince's dislike. Said one gentleman, “You know what it is with Romney? He’s just like that other Massachusetts guy Kerry. I bet Romney’s a Red Sox fan too,” he said as he spit on the ground. “I didn’t vote for Kerry neither. The two of them are on every side of every issue. I’m just so sick of politicians trying to have everything both ways.  You can’t eat from both ends of the cannoli without getting your hands messy, you know what I’m saying?  Romney’s a fugazzi. They all are. That Evan Stevens guy too.  Now usually I say live and live and let live but Mitt, what kind of religion makes you have more than one wife?  That’s cruel and unusual punishment.  It’s un-American is what it is.”

At the close of the evening, a beleaguered and demoralized crown watched as former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani was the last to take the stage. “I’ll keep this short and sweet like my good friend Dennis Kucinich,” said Giuliani.  “I’m not a woman, I’m not a Southerner, I’m white, I’m Catholic (sort of) and, best of all, I’m Italian.  You know you’re going to vote for me.”

With murmurs and grumbles, a disillusioned crowd shuffled out in silence.

cupcakes are GOOD!!!

Luke cannot STOP asking to see his cousins on the blogger......honestly, "More Charles, Maggie,Poppie and Luca"....all of them,every day. Especially Charles falling down.
Thought they might like to see him,too. (Secretly, he'll LOVE seeing himself!!)

P.S. Can someone PLS post wedding pics from Cy and Cathy's? I didn't have my camera that day, or I would've by now. thx!

Fine

Research Studies ‘Bogus’, Study Finds

An international team of researchers have completed a decades long analysis of their peers’ work and the results are staggering. The report, published in the controversial science expose’ magazine The Steaming Beaker, is a careful scrutiny of thousands of university and government projects covering a period of forty years. Their conclusion: it’s all a bunch of outlandish poppycock.

In the article entitled Negative Findings, Dr. Cy Nick Hall, the research lead, and his team categorize all research studies into three broad areas. There are 18 percent classified in the “Who cares” column; 26 percent are labeled “Let’s see how long we can drag out funding for this nonsense”; and a staggering 88 percent fall into the “Politically motivated crap” group. The study notes a standard deviation of 33 percent. Such representations have outraged the scientific community in a manner not seen since the 1985 release of the film Weird Science.

Hall further drew the ire of his counterparts by publishing what he characterizes as their “disturbing methodology”. In one laboratory alone, Hall found chimps trained to mix alcoholic drinks and serve them to the staff in test tubes, lab coats with the asses cut out of them, and regular games of ‘spin the Bunsen burner’. He also noted a bizarre hazing ritual in which new researchers are forced to streak as fast as they can run through the laboratory yelling ‘E=MC2’ each time they are struck with clipboards.

As a result, Dr. Hall and his colleagues now regularly receive death threats; carefully constructed and very boring letters with detailed and sequential steps the murderers plan on taking and the statistical probability of their success. “When I’m able to remove myself from the situation and forget they’ve threatened to shoot me with an atom splitter, I can appreciate the time and thought they’ve put in these letters,” said Hall. “Who knew that when they were sufficiently motivated they were capable of such quality work? So now I have to watch my back when I walk down the hall or go to Star Trek conventions. People are always whispering to each other as I go by or even shouting insults. Their new nickname for me is ‘margin for error’. It’s hurtful”

In contrast to his subjects’ questionable practices, Hall and his team tried to ensure proper techniques during their observations including the use of a blind control group. They were so adamant to succeed in this process they often forcibly imprisoned and sometimes tortured participants to find out if they knew in which group they fell. “I’ll never forget some of the things we said and did,” says Hall. “Does that feel real or does it fell like a placebo, you son of a b!t@h? Then there’s the drowning tactic in the eye wash sinks. In retrospect much of that may have been unnecessary.”

In the article, Hall also notes the irony of the findings and it does not escape him that he may have worked himself and many others out of a job. “I think my next step is to become a teacher,” says Hall. “At least in Education people won’t lie to get government money and they have no political motivation whatsoever behind their work. Right?”

Indecision '08

I know some of you are waiting for things to shake out with Fred Thompson and figure where he really stands on the issues. But while the jury is still out on the former TV DA, here is someome else to mull over perhaps...at least a little bit.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/301544/stevens_announces_run_for_presidency.html

What do you think?

From Angel to Brat

Sorry...but sometimes you can't get enough of your own kids!

Goodnight Moon – A lunar eclipse of the senses

Occasionally a book is released with some notoriety and success but is still under appreciated for its true significance. When Margaret Wise Brown wrote Goodnight Moon in 1947 it was met with instant acclaim in the Children’s Book genre. New generations are reconsidering her opus magnum, not on its achievement as a bedtime story, but on its literary merits and as a seminal example of mid-20th century symbolic poetry.

Detractors note, correctly so, that GM lacks full character and plot development and suffers greatly because of its terseness. Much of it is devoted to (at least on its surface) simply labeling items in a young rabbit’s room. It has a repetitive style, rudimentary pentameter, and worst of all – a predictable ending.

Yet, what the work lacks in length it makes up for in sheer boldness and creative expression. As a product of a post World War II culture, GM is wrought with the same loss, disillusionment and dark confusion that dominated the national consciousness but was taboo to articulate. Subtly, the book lays out the dismal scene through its excruciating inventory of the world in a literary technique reminiscent of Proust’s most enigmatic tomes. The unexplored oedipal tensions between the rabbit and quiet old lady add a parallel stress to the already anxious narrative and her abrupt and awkwardly timed disappearance underscores their strained relationship. DH Lawrence had his ‘Sons and Lovers’ and Margaret Wise Brown had her mouse and little house. The chaotic mood is reinforced with rotting food on the nightstand and rodents and cats allowed to roam free. At the point when the protagonist reluctantly says “goodnight light”, the story reaches a turning point and surrenders to a resigned fatalism. The room gets increasingly dark, the fire wanes and the time on the clock gets later. Lonely and estranged and with a final goodnight to “nobody”, our rabbit relents - seeking unrealized solace in the ephemeral world of moon and stars. Does he fall off to sleep or is it to the eternal sleep? Brown leaves it intentionally open-ended and the reader is left to ponder the conflict long after the book is done and his own bedroom lights are off.

If Brown fails to reach her objective it is perhaps because she tries to accomplish too much. Who can accurately capture the hush in our minds during that mysterious interim between awake and asleep, between life and death? Yet, Brown dared to aim for the moon and for that she deserves reassessment and respect.

Cheese Cultures

At a meeting of Europe’s cheese governing council today, delegates had some extra sharp words for their American counterparts. The foreign relations sub-committee of the Brie U formally censured American cheese for tarnishing the image of all Western cheeses through their aggressive Middle East menu.

“Their actions are a recipe for disaster” said Roquefort. “By spreading their ultra-pasteurized version of cheese to the larger world, they’re actually creating a new generation of cheese intolerance instead of cheese lovers. We are losing the cheese-culture war because of their conceit”.

American cheese did have some brief rebuttals from its Wisconsin home, “What do you expect? French cheeses are soft and yellow. They should grow a thicker rind, a pair of cheese balls and stop melting under the pressure”.

Tensions grew between these two supermarket powers after American cheese’s pre-emptive actions earlier this year in the Middle East. Without invitation from the population, they unilaterally started putting cheese on traditional Middle East cuisine, throwing cheese slices on pita, lamb kabobs, couscous and even babba ganouj. There have even been unconfirmed reports of the cheese missing its targets and hitting unsuspecting diners in the face. Local hospitals report a 15% increase in unexplained eye injuries since the American intervention.

American cheese has also lost some support form its original coalition. The Italian cheeses, once in favor of the action, have recently backed off their position. Mozzarella stated “Ay! Formaggio Americano. Whatsa da matta with you eh, youa blocka head? “. That criticism prompted the now famous retort from the American, “Have some whine with that cheese”.

The American Colby cheese, which is a more traditional and semi-soft cheese than American cheese, took a more diplomatic approach. “We all share the common goal of spreading cheese throughout the world because we know it leads to culinary peace and prosperity wherever it’s tried. The problem is that we have different tastes and economic philosophies. We believe that you should keep the revenue you earn and not distribute it collectively to support social programs like handing out government cheese”.

Besides its foreign policy, criticism of the Americans extends to its cheese manufacturing process which Europeans believe adds harmful methane to the air due to the high number and concentration of dairy cows in certain areas. In reply to that point, Monterrey Jack, which has been dubbed a ‘real cowboy’ by the Europeans, sliced up his critics. “If they’re worried about better air quality, maybe these cheeses should wash themselves a little more often. Man do they stink. As far as I’m concerned, they can all Gouda hell”.

Swiss cheese, with its neutral flavors, has called for a cheese summit to work out some of these differences. “I see a lot of holes in both arguments”.

Beyond the bickering, many believe that the growth of cheese in the Middle East is a lost cause. The comments of Mahmoud Al-Barraqq El Farriq, 41, are representative of many when he says, “You know, I guess I just like hummus better. Sometimes I eat cheese and I falafel afterwards (parum-pum). Take my wives…please!”

Less than 24 hours

Less than 24

The following events take place between 9am and 2pm on the day of Luca's MRI. Events occur in real time.

My name is Frank Gramuglia. When I woke up on Friday, the first day of my master cleanse fast, the day of my son's MRI and working on no sleep, I realized this would be the longest day of my life.

9:00:01 On the way to the hospital (late) and glad to start the fast I take my first sip of the lemonade cocktail destined to be close companion for the next ten days..[sip]..Come again? That can't be right. Let me try this again. [smaller sip]. Wow. That tastes like an old dress sock was left in the rain and squeezed out into a cup.

9:45:07 At the hospital, I can't even think of that cayenne pepper fiasco in my water bottle. Weak with lack of calories, going through caffeine withdrawals and sleep deprived, I begin to hallucinate. The conspiracy unfolds before me. I see it now. How could I be so blind?

10:15:08 There are cameras everywhere in this hospital. Why? Why are they watching us? The hospital and staff tempt me with food. Vending machines and the smell of syrupy pancakes fill my senses (and not grade B syrup I can tell you that).

10:30:22 I try to distract myself, biding time, until we can make our move. I read Luca a Dr. Seuss book as we both wait. Two pages in I doze off into a half sleep. I see The Cat in the Hat in a surgical gown holding a mask attached to an oxygen tank filled with lemon drink. The pepper flakes float ominously.

Cat: I know you think that this drink stinks. But it's not as bad as you think, he said with a wink.
Me: I will not have this lemonade
Cat: What if you were paid? Would you try it in a parade? Would you try it in a parade riding on a zipperzade?

And so on...

Until the Cat mouths, in a completely different voice. “We have your wife and son”.

I startle awake and the nurse is standing there. She tells me that Ann and Luca are waiting in the recovery room. (Jack Bauer hasn't slept in six seasons and I don't last 3 hours)

12:00:55 Awash with misery, I stumble down the hall. I need to keep my wits now. Think, Gramuglia, think.

12:15:11 Luca is eating jelly (sugar free) on crackers (gluten free). Sitting there, sweating, I lose it. I carefully weigh our options. I know I can’t trust their food. I see no choice but to resort to cannibalism. Our anesthesiologist, Akinori, gets too close and I'm moments away from biting off a piece of her upper arm when I stop myself. No. That's what they want me to do. They're waiting for me to make a wrong move. Plus, I'll probably just be hungry an hour later. Luca causes a diversion and I grab her employee badge.

12:25:13 With the nurse’s back turned, I picked up Luca and grab Ann by the hand and sprint to the nearest employee exit. Amid nasty shouts and dirty looks we run two stairs at a time. Meanwhile, in other action, (picture four squares on your screen) as we’re in the staircase, the nurse and anesthesiologist look for us, confused, holding an umbrella, The Cat in the Hat preps for surgery and 35 hopeful lemons sit on our kitchen counter.

12:26:30 Outside, in the cold rain, I can breathe. Ann yanks on my arm. “What the hell is wrong with you? You left our umbrella up there. And what are you doing with that [expletive] badge?” I’m stunned. They got to her damnit. I never thought it was inside job. Trust no one. And yet, somehow I can’t help but feel a strange empathy for her – like when I see a fat kid riding a bike.

1:01:55 The drive home is tense. I watch Ann out of the corners of my bleary eyes. She looks agitated (go figure).

1:33:42 Home, and at the end of my tether. An empty stomach and clouded mind. I drift away, out of time and space.

1:55:33 I see a blurry image that comes into focus. Ann is walking toward me with a bag of corn chips (gluten free) and salsa (sugar free). I don’t care if it’s a trick. We eat. And suddenly, magically, it’s over. We’re safe. It’s all over. And that's how I lasted less than 24 hours on the fast.

1:58:21 The lemons just sit there.

1:59:58
1:59:59
2:00:00

"I'm tired of this crap."

This is what I've been doing instead of studying for finals.

And the winner is...

After careful and thorough deliberation, I am pleased to announce that we have a winner in the inaugural caption contest. While it was a difficult choice, I believe What's His Name's post most distinguished itself. I had the pleasure of notifying Chad in person in Brooklyn (City of) this past weekend. I snapped this photo after telling him and you can see he was pleased and embarassed all at once...the word coquettish comes to mind. Congratulations again, Chad.

What I did not tell Chad is that he is the winner of not one but two unique prizes!! First, he gets a framed print of the contest photo enhanced with his winning caption. Secondly, courtesy of their promotional mailer, if Chad visits our friends at the Nutmeg Restaurant in East Windsor, he will receive a FREE ENTREE with the purchase of a second entree of equal or greater value! (Value up to $15. Offer may not be combined). The offer technically ended on December 31 but they seem like such friendly and reasonable people judging by the postcard. I'm sure they'll honor it.



I would also like to acknowledge the valuable contributions of so few of you. Honorable Mentions go to:

The Captain: For Originality. For suggesting that there is something just off screen that the viewer cannot see.

KBB: For Joie de Vivre. For capturing the entirety of the moment.


Dishonorable mention.
After informing Mars that I was disgusted with her tardy and vulgar entry, she stormed down the streets of New York in a rage. I was barely able to take this shot of her before she darted out of sight.

** CAPTION CONTEST **

Think you've got what it takes??

Add your caption to this photo. The winner, as judged soley, exclusively and reduntantly by the triumverate judgeship of me, myself, and moi, may receive a fabulous prize of nominal value!

Entries will be judged on a number of criteria, including but not limited to:
- Humor
- Originality
- Joie de Vivre
- Pure Cheek

PARTICIPATION IS MANDATORY. This includes the Noras, Catherines and Chads who seem content to look but not touch. One entry per person. Entries must be received no later than Friday, February 2, 2007, 9pm Idaho time.

Bonne chance sans coullottes!

Another Celebrity Breakup!?

In a move widely rumored on breakfast blogs for weeks, Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima announced their divorce today at a press conference from their Kellogg, MI home. The celebrity pairing dubbed “Benima” by the food industry pastarazzi took turns boiling over in a bitter media session.

Aunt Jemima got things cooking first. “Time was when I couldn’t get Ben to leggo my eggo for a cotton pickin second…He’d be all like tell me how you want it baby, over easy or sunny side up. He always had a hand on my muffins or his nose in my biscuits. Chil’, that man could grease my skillet just by lookin at it. But lately the long grain, wild man I married turn into a 5 minute boil n bag instant embarrassment – all lumpy and what not. And don’t think I don’t see how he looks at that pop tart Mrs Butterworth. If he thinks she gonna clean his dirty pans as well as I can, he got another thing comin’.”

That got Ben heated up, “that’s a bunch of country crock. Dat woman gave up a long time ago – I cant remember the last time she took off that doo rag. Would it kill you to wash yo hair? A woman gotta keep herself up.”

As this bitter divorce plays out in the press, the real victims are the rest of us. This couple leaves behind 300 million adopted American neices and nephews and one daughter, Sec’y of State Condoleeza Rice.