I didn't vote yesterday. I am not registered in West Hartford, was at work late, and didn't want to drive back and forth.
I then watched some coverage and acknowledged that I didn't feel a surge of pride that the first female president was going to happen. I thought about it and thought about it some more, and was sad I couldn't revel in it. I considered everyone's fear about Trump and was happy I didn't allow myself to go there because, of course, he would never win. It wasn't a real thing.
I then went to bed early because I was very tired.
When I woke up at 5:15 it took me a minute to remember that the election happened and I immediately checked my phone. The image was of Trump at the podium and I felt slapped and flooded and bowled over and beaten up and so many other things I never predicted for an instant I would feel. I cried harder and with less control than I have for, I don't know how long, and I couldn't catch my breath. The shame was overwhelming, the panic acute and I couldn't believe I was feeling it. But I did and I do right now and it feels like a crazy loss I can't explain. I am not a Hilary supporter but I get it. I get that a woman was just about to be president and that he, HE, THAT man is it now.
I always felt myself as an "other" to feminists because my values didn't match up. But I am so fired up right now, so deeply sad, so deeply conflicted, so deeply ashamed of myself for laying low, for not thinking hard enough about things, for not driving to Somers to vote, I am having difficult making sense of it at all.
6 comments:
I feel these things too, Lisette. And I know, I KNOW Hillary was no prize to be won. I didn't even vote for her and my own conscience is troubled wondering if I made a mistake voting third party in one of the most decisive battleground states. I thought it would be clean but what I'm feeling this morning is anything but smug. (I also had surprising feelings yesterday I never foresaw: holy crap, we are going to have our first woman president and I have a 1-year-old daughter and I didn't even vote for her, I'm not even a part of this! I couldn't say #ImWithHer because I'm not and never will be, and that I couldn't support our first viable female candidate made me horribly sad.)
Like mom and dad have both pointed out in their own ways to me this morning, maybe the silver lining is she's gone forever and next time we'll have someone better. But maybe we won't get another shot at this for a long, long time.
The grieving started months ago when of all the women in the world, she was who we got for our first shot. But now, of all the men in the world, OF ALL MEN, HE is the one to kick her down.
I have no love for Hillary but my God if this one doesn't hurt.
Lisette, I feel you! Do not sink too deeply into this. Remind yourself how hard this one was. I felt so strange and uncertain yesterday. I could not bring myself to not vote. I certainly would never vote for him. And I could just not either bring myself to vote for her. Obviously my New York vote meant nothing technically. And neither did your CT vote. But the angst you're feeling I totally get! But this one was so hard! It's not just the power to vote against someone, because by voting for Hillary,you would also be... voting for Hillary. And the question is, if she won, could you live with a vote for her down the line?
I brought the buritos with me to vote. Adela begged me to vote for Hillary. I promise I was undecided until I was actually staring down at my ballot. I filled in all the other circles before the Presidential one. But I just could not vote for her. I voted third party. I skipped the I Voted sticker (kids did not skip the sticker or the lollipop or the donut hole).
To echo what you've both said I saw the excitement around me and wished I could be part of it, too. But, then, no. Because please let's remind ourselves of what's important. Our gift of faith informs our decisions in a way that many people around us do not comprehend. We are set apart, called to make the harder decisions, asked not to ask for validation, and told that if we trust, all will be OK.
I'm satisfied with my vote. But having said all this, Aloise, if I were if Florida like you, I'd be just as conflicted this morning. It's you and the millions in your position that turned this election. Sorry that probably doesn't help! Hang in there kid. You did the right thing.
And Lisette, you already know this but their brand of feminism stops short of true respect for women. It's well intentioned but just refuses to go far enough--to respect women enough to foster a society that honors our fundamental nature as child-bearers.
And please give yourself a break. You made your own important statement by not voting, which I respect as well. Chad did the same thing. He feels fine about it this morning. You do not. So next time, you vote. Now move on.
This won't make you feel better, Lisette, but here's my side of the vote. I did go to the polls and I did lose a piece of my soul as I voted for Hilary. I thought, this is a blue state, my vote means nothing. We will never go to Trump... nut what if he DID? Holy Crap I have no choice. And then my stomach flip-flopped for hours. As I listened to NPR and watched the news on TV. I was stunned. Sean and I laughed about how the early lead was surprising, but not fatal. So we watched a show and an hour later literally gasped when we saw what had happened by 9:30. An hour later that was it. I went from comically surprised to speechless. I couldn't form my thoughts. I couldn't believe it was real. I was up till 1:30. not watching the news except for a quick check. I just couldn't sleep not knowing for SURE he was president. So I watched a bunch of The Office to block it out. Then as I pulled myself out an awful sleep, I turned on my phone and promptly buried my head under the covers. I have been sad all day. I think I would have felt some pretty awful things if Hilary had won, despite her being a woman. I certainly wouldn't have felt proud to have voted for her. I'd feel a little sick, but nothing like the shame and profound confusion I feel about the reality we now live in. It doesn't matter what we did yesterday, just that we're all in the same, disgusting boat today.
Dad said it best: "We all lost this election."
Neither candidate was worth a vote.
But Hillary? I couldn't be happier that she's done. She is an enemy our Faith and no friend of any woman. What a disgrace it would have been had she gone down in history as our 1st woman President.
So no tears in Somers.
(PS I also voted 3rd party. Because I will no longer vote for the less of 2 evils)
I wasn't going to vote, but then decided to vote third party (thankfully knowing that Johnson had no chance). I don't think any of you children is old enough to remember the 25 years of Clinton fatigue that my age went through where the only true adjective was "tawdry." What true whores both Clintons are. I went to bed early and when I woke I remembered: oh yeah there's an election and turned on the computer. In my heart I think I knew Trump would win and it was with a sigh or relief that I saw that the Clinton machine (and the totally insulated elite, including the Republican hierarchy) had been stopped in its tracks. If you think Trump will keep a single promise I have some seaside property in Kansas I'd like to sell you. But the Clinton-Bush-Obama years had been decisively told to Pack Sand.
The sad thing to me is how many Catholics I know who were rah-rah for Trump because he would save the "pro-life" movement. There will be nothing there but buyers remorse. And more importantly seeing the prolife movement set way back by this latest gullible wedding to the Republican party. The Republican party was NEVER going to reflect anything remotely resembling the Catholic position on life issues (starting with "saint" Ronald Reagan). As the Psalmist says: PUT NOT YOUR TRUST IN PRINCES.
The USA has never been a Catholic country and its founding is based on deist Enlightenment principles. There's a difference between living my country, which I do, and investing it with the sacred attributes of the "city on the hill." The first Christians were persecuted in Rome for being "atheists." When it comes to the American civic religion, I'm an atheist.
Well I'm happy as hell that you're our father.
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